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Category: Loss

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day 2019

Posted on October 15, 2019October 15, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. In 2018, I wrote a post for Jacksonvillemom.com about our experience with loss. (Click the link below to read it.) Each year has become a little easier than the last. Having our little rainbow baby (now toddler) definitely helped to make the pain more bearable. I still find myself lost in thought about Sawyer; wondering what he would look like, what his little voice would of sounded like, what toys would of been his favorite? Recently, Aubrey has told me that she’s had dreams about a little boy wanting to play with her. I can’t help but ~~think~~ hope that it is Sawyer, staying connected, present with the family. Please join our family in lighting a candle tonight for all babies lost.

“Today we remember the babies born sleeping, those we carried but never held, those we held but could not take home, those who came home but couldn’t stay.”

From Dark to Light: How I Found Hope After a Tragic Loss

Grief, I hate you.

Posted on June 10, 2018July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

When we lost Sawyer, I was sad. Very sad. I cried often. But all I wanted was a hug or a kind word and it made me feel better. Aiden was four and oh so sweet. He hugged me all of the time and told me how much he loved me.

When things like the loss of a child happen, you hear stories from all sorts of surprising sources. I worked with someone for five years and never knew she lost a baby. Now, we are in this special club that most people wouldn’t understand. The UPS delivery driver that I had at my job is the one who really put it in perspective for me. When he was a child, his mother lost his baby brother in the same exact way that we lost Sawyer. He said it was like a black cloud fell onto their house for years. They couldn’t play too loudly for fear of upsetting mom. He still remembers how horrible that time was. I did not want Aiden to ever remember any part of his childhood like that. Yes, he knew what happened. Yes, he saw me breakdown and cry from time to time, but other than that, life had to go on. For his sake. That was my motivation to get past it (although you don’t ever truly get past it) and try to get life back to how he knew it. We were still a family. So I did. I made a shadow box with Sawyer’s things and put it right in the hall so we would see it daily, and we moved on with life. We had fun again. We laughed. We loved.

Now, with dad, I’m more than sad. I’m devastated. I’m angry. I have regret. I feel guilty. And the people around me are catching the brunt of it. Mostly Aiden. I am completely on edge and have absolutely no patients. I find myself yelling at him constantly and as a result, he is being mean right back. His feelings are hurt. I know. He doesn’t understand where his fun, sweet, kind, patient mom went. I know that’s what he wants and as hard as I try, I can’t be that right now. I’m broken. I’m trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and make sense of all of this but it is going to take time. I just hope our relationship isn’t permanently effected by it. I know that dad wouldn’t want that.

Dad

Posted on June 10, 2018July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

I lost you seven days ago. It was so quick. I had just sent you a video of Aubrey and you responded to it in you usual funny way. I can’t believe you’re gone. Like truly gone. I am so thankful that we had a close relationship. We talked/texted often. I just went to one of your job sites a few weeks prior to visit you. We were going to meet for lunch next week. I’m so thankful that I have voicemails saved from when you called me on Mother’s Day and last year’s birthday where you sang me happy birthday. You always did that. You wouldn’t even say hi first, you just started singing as soon as I answered the phone. I loved that. It meant the world to me. My birthday’s next month. I am dreading it.

I would give anything to go back to the “good old days”. Back when I was a kid and you’d let me hammer a hundred nails in the drywall knowing you would have to go back and patch every hole I made. But you let me because I wanted to “help” you. Or when you would be tinkering away at something in your garage and you’d give me a pile of nuts and bolts to sort. I’d be in that hot garage with you for hours. Or when we’d get up on Sunday’s before mom and we’d throw our bikes in the back of your teal Chevy pick up truck, go to Krystal’s for a few Sunrisers, then ride our bikes down River Road to the old marina. We’d walk up and down the docks and you’d tell me everything you knew about boats, tell me stories, and plans for the future. We’d watch the manatees. This is probably my favorite memory of you.

Back then it was easy to be a family. To spend time together. We lived in the same house. But there’s something about growing up that makes it really easy to become busy. Too busy to just sit and watch the manatees. Too busy to visit. To busy to remanence. Now that’s all I can do. I’m looking at pictures and home movies and all I want to do is call you. Hear your voice. Your laugh. To tell you how much I appreciated the time we had.

I saved every note you ever wrote me. Every letter. Every hand made card. I don’t think you ever gave me a store bought card. You took the time to draw a picture and make up a poem and I love them. I will cherish them always.

They say time heals all wounds. We’ll see. I am just listening to Jimmy Buffet and hearing your voice sing them to me, like you use to. I’m starting back to work tomorrow. I am not exactly looking forward to it but I do think some sense of normalcy is a good idea. I love you dad.

Sawyer’s Birthday

Posted on April 25, 2017July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

I took a little hiatus from this blog. I’m not sure why. I think it was just procrastination, one of my downfalls. Either way, I’m back now and I plan on keeping it up this time. Today marks a year since we had/lost Sawyer. A few coworkers reminded me and one even gave me a condolence card. It was very sweet. I also had my 29 week OB check up. That was the only time I lost it. It was something about being in the OB office that turned on the water works. I am just so thankful that we were able to get pregnant right afterwards. I understand that some people need a little bit of time before trying again, but for me, that was definitely not the right decision. It makes the year anniversary a little easier to deal with knowing that we have a sweet baby girl on the way.

Day By Day

Posted on November 11, 2016July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

With each day that passes, life is getting back to normal. I do think about Sawyer often but I’m not overwhelmed with sadness like before. It’s more like a memory of something that happened, rather than a person I lost. I do get down when I see new born babies or pregnant women, or hear of someone who just had a baby with no problem but besides that, I’m doing better.

On a different note, Aiden has been a little strange. A few years ago we found a song that just became Brian’s song. It’s a less popular country song about a good, strong man/father/husband/etc. Lately, every time we get in the car, Aiden takes my phone, plays the song, and cries. Like serious tears. The first time it happened freaked me out. I heard him crying and when I asked him what was wrong he said, “I just love daddy so much”. I thought it was really sweet so of course I started crying. You should of seen Brian when we both came in crying because “we loved him so much”. Let me paint a picture for you: Brian is relaxing on the couch after his class and Aiden and I walk in the door, crying, and both sit on the couch hugging him while telling him how much we love him. He was thoroughly confused. Also, Aiden has been asking us when we are going to have another baby. He says that he really wants to be a big brother. He also said that families are suppose to have two kids. I spoke to his teacher today and found out that they have been talking a lot about families. She told me that based on today’s kids books, the quintessential perfect family seems to be two parents and two kids. That explains why he keeps saying we need two kids and he wants to be a big brother, but what is with the tears for daddy when we literally just left him? Apparently there are a few kids in his class that don’t have dads. I don’t think Aiden can wrap his mind around the thought of, “Wait a minute. You mean dads can just leave?!” I feel like he keeps in the back of his mind that his dad might leave him. You should have seen his little face the other night when he said, “Where’s daddy”? and I jokingly replied, “He left because you’re driving him nuts.” Oh my God, I’ve never felt like more of an asshole! I immediately grabbed him up and kept repeating, “That was a joke! You know your daddy would never leave you!”. Parenting fail.

Aiden has been talking about Sawyer a lot lately. He wanted to assign a song to be Sawyer’s song (We decided on Wagon Wheel by Darius Rucker. Sawyer moved like crazy in my belly when I would sing it. He got to where as soon as the song came on, he’d start wiggling). Every once in a while, he’ll say he misses Sawyer. I think he was really excited and now misses the thought of a little brother. We were at JCPenneys the other day and he was being so well behaved and using great manners. The cashier said, “He’s so polite. Is he your only one?”, to which I nodded. Aiden said, “Yeah, our baby died.” The poor woman didn’t know what to say. She had a mortified look on her face and muttered the words, “I’m sorry”. Aiden grabbed my hand, then patted it and said,”It’s okay. Mommy’s okay. Come on mommy”, and led me out of the store. I turned around to smile at the poor girl and I’m pretty sure she was crying.

Later that day, Aiden was playing with Play-Doh. He always makes me things so when I saw he had made a heart, I assumed it was for me. I said, “Oh honey, did you make that for me?” To which he replied, “Nope. This is for Sawyer because I miss him”.

You’re not going to believe this but as I am typing this now, I looked over at Aiden who was zoned out watching TV and asked him what he was thinking about. Exact words: “I want you to have another baby. I want a baby brother”. This is sweet, but nothing breaks my heart more than when he starts explaining why he will make such a great big brother, like he’s pleading his case. As if he thinks that’s why we don’t have a baby yet. I keep telling him, “Aiden, I know you will be the best big brother one day!” One day.

Sawyer’s Butterfly Release Ceremony 6/18/16

Posted on June 25, 2016July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

For Sawyer’s memorial, I wanted to do something kid friendly and I wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. I didn’t want everyone crying and all of the kids asking questions, etc. We wanted to thank everyone for all of their support and love through all of this. We decided to do a butterfly release in a local park. We chose Tilly K. Fowler park because of the pavilion we could rent that was right next to a big playground for the kids. I ordered sandwich platters from Publix and the butterflies from www.butterflyreleasecompany.com. They came via FedEx in a regular box with ice packs.

When butterflies are below a certain temperature, they become dormant and sleep. Once they arrived, I had to keep ice packs in the box to keep them sleeping.

We chose to have them put in individual envelopes. We were able to chose the color of the envelopes and an inscription. “In loving memory of Sawyer Elmore. 4/24/16 Taken too soon but loved for eternity.”

The day before the release, there was an 80% chance of rain. Luckily, the weather was absolutely beautiful. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

I would venture to guess that thirty people showed up. Once everyone had arrived, we passed out the envelopes. I stood on a bench in front of everyone and said the following…

” Thank you everybody for coming. As you all know we lost Sawyer at 37 weeks The day after our baby shower. They have ruled it a cord accident. Although it is a terrible situation that we never thought we would go through, we have been so overwhelmed by all of the support and love we received from our friends and family. We truly could not have gotten through this without you. We just wanted to get everyone together to acknowledge what we’ve lost and celebrate what we have. Does everyone have a butterfly? I’m going to read a poem and at the end please join us in the release of your butterfly.”

“As you release this butterfly in honor of me, know that I am with you and will always be. Hold a hand, say a prayer, close your eyes and see me there. Although you may feel a bit torn a part, please know that I’ll be forever in your heart. Now fly away butterfly as high as you can go, I’m right there with you more than you know.”

Everone opened their envelopes and to our relief, they all flew away. Some were a little lazy and hung around on people’s hand or shirt before flying away. That made for great photo opportunities.

In order to keep Sawyer’s memory close, I made a shadow box. It includes pictures, a sonogram, a blanket with his name, the hat he wore in the hospital and the onesie he was suppose to wear home. I also added the chorus to Wagon Wheel by Derius Rucker. Whenever I sang out loud, Sawyer would move. When I sang that song, he moved a lot! Every time. I will forever think of him when I hear that song.

Sawyer’s Photos

Posted on June 18, 2016July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

While we were in the hospital, we were asked multiple times if we wanted pictures taken of Sawyer. For whatever reason, I refused them. I think I was thinking that if there were no pictures, it never happened. I think that was how my traumatized mind was processing it. After refusing them for the third time, our nurse Kelly came to me and whispered, “I’m sorry to keep pushing this on you and I know you are upset with me for doing it but I really must insist you agree to the pictures. You can have them done and never look at them. But if one day you want them and don’t have them, you will regret it”. I remember snapping at her, “Fine, but I don’t want any of us holding him. Just of him”. I owe Kelly the biggest thank you possible. During those few weeks after the delivery, I longed to see his face. I couldn’t remember what he looked like and God I tried to. Having the pictures makes it all real. He really did exist and he was beautiful. The photographer that took his pictures was Amy Mooney. She is apart of an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It’s made up of photographers all around the country that volunteer their time for these situations. She came in and spent a lot of time positioning him and getting the lighting just right. Then, she spent her personal time at home editing them. I am beyond grateful for this. Thanks to her (and nurse Kelly) I have beautiful pictures to put in the shadow box I’m making.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep: www.nilmdts.org

Amy Mooney’s photography site: www.photogracejax.com

Back to work!

Posted on May 28, 2016July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

This was my first week back to work and I’m so glad I did! It’s amazing how close you get with your coworkers and I really missed my work family. I was a little nervous that it was going to be a sad cry-fest and their would be a black cloud over the surgery center (and I’d be the cause) but it wasn’t that way at all. Everyone was genuinely happy to see me and seemed to be excited I was back. There was lots of hugs, laughter, and the occasional tears but they weren’t long lived. I opened up to a few people with details of what happened and it felt good. If this experience has taught us anything it’s that we have an amazing support group around us who really do care and that is the most comforting feeling. We are very blessed in that sense.

March 2016 (7 months pregnant with Sawyer):

I’ve made a point to take a picture in the OR, far along & fully scrubbed with both pregnancies. Aiden liked being able to tell his friend he’s been in an operating room (even if it was in utero). I did it with Aiden, I did it with Sawyer, and I’ll do it again….one day.

One Day At A Time

Posted on May 21, 2016July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

Yesterday was a good day. Nothing spectacular happened but every day that I don’t cry is a good day. Unfortunately, today I seemed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I am short tempered and quick to yell at Aiden….and Brian for that matter. While cleaning up I found another one of Sawyer’s ultrasound. I was fine until I walked into his nursery to put it in the keepsake box. I hadn’t been in it for a few days and I wasn’t prepared.

We haven’t done anything with the nursery. It’s full of everything we were going to need with a new baby. We shut the door and that’s it. Even his name is still on the door.

See? It’s a mess. I walked into the nursery and immediately saw the “Big Brother” “Little Brother” shirts that our friend made us and I lost it. Aiden came in after a few minutes and found me sitting in the middle of the floor, rocking, and sobbing. Without skipping a beat he says, “Mommy, I’m sorry about Sawyer but you still have me”. He came over and gave me his hand to help me up. Brian took Aiden to the store with him and that gave me a little time to regroup.

When they got back, we went outside for Aiden to go swimming for a bit. When we came back inside I got the mail and saw where the zoo sent us a confirmation that they received our commemorative brick order and they’re working on it.

It should be ready in about six weeks, then it’ll be placed in front of the carousel. We also ordered a mini version of the brick with the same inscription to come home with us. I’m not sure what we’ll do with that one yet.

A little while after that, my mom showed up with a really awesome surprise. When Sawyer was cremated, I wasn’t ready to pick up the ashes so my mom did and kept them at her house. I told her of our plan to get a teddy bear, split the seem, put the ashes inside, and sew it back up. That way, on a day like today, I would have something to hug when I miss him. Well, today she went to Build-A-Bear and did just that. She made me a bear and put his ashes inside (in the bag they came in) during the building process. It’s perfect.

Tonight we’re going over to friends’ house for dinner. I am really looking forward to it but I’m a little nervous. They have a three month old baby boy. After how today has been, I just don’t want my emotions to get the best of me.

Side note: Aiden is in the bath tub and he just yelled, “Mommy we have a problem. My freckles are falling off!” I go in there to look and it’s the gold glitter that he got into yesterday. He still had some on him and he thought they were freckles. This kid. Never a dull moment!

May 12, 2016-Due Date

Posted on May 12, 2016July 3, 2019 by Kelley Elmore

I hear I will have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day. Today was Sawyer’s due date. I was doing okay until I went into the kitchen and noticed our chalkboard on the wall that read “Every Superhero Needs A Sidekick! Coming Spring 2016”. Then I lost it. Aiden was at school so Brian and I went to breakfast and a movie in hopes of finding a distraction. We had some time to kill before the movie so we walked around the mall (which is no fun when you’re an adult, by the way). We went into a store looking for shorts for Aiden (of course, because I never buy myself anything!) and there was a NEWBORN baby, no more than a few weeks old, screaming his little head off in his stroller. His mother completely ignored him…didn’t even look at him, and kept looking through the clothing rack. It was one of those newborn cries that sounds like the baby is going to run out of breath. He sounded pitiful. I wanted so badly to grab her by the shoulders, shake her like hell, and tell her how I would give absolutely anything to hear that right now. And she is taking it for granted. I wish I had the opportunity to hear mine cry, pick him up, comfort him, be there for him, kiss him, smell him, even look at him. Anything. I couldn’t wait for Aiden to hold his brother for the first time. To hear him talk to him. Even their first sibling fight. Now, when I think Sawyer’s name, I hear it in Aiden’s voice. He said it all the time. Now he only says it when he catches me crying…as in, “What’s wrong, mommy? Is it Sawyer?” A part of me wants to try and get pregnant right away. But I’m scared. I think being pregnant would give me something else to think about, but I know I am going to be a paranoid freak. My OB assures me that she has never had a patient have a “cord accident” twice but I know I will worry. I didn’t confront the woman in the store. Instead I left and cried, for that baby, for Sawyer, for me.

“Today we remember the babies born sleeping, those we carried but never held, those we held but could not take home, those who came home but couldn’t stay.”

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